AS PER DALLAS CLAYTON

I poached this from Dallas Clayton's site.
I if had any sort of stability I would write a note similar.
These days they are penned in me head to society as a whole.

TAPED TO A TRASH CAN

Dear Customer,

I thought I might drop you a line
letting you know that
I’ve gone through your waste
for the year
and discovered so much
about your habits
and the reasons you aren’t more successful.

Perhaps you will find this information helpful.

First:

You enjoy mayonaise
quite a bit.
I’ve found.
More than you are probably even aware.
As well
You seem to love
little gummy candies
Shaped like cellular phones, and tiny portable electronic devices.
Most people don’t even buy candy like this more than once
In their lives
But you have so many wrappers
And empty plastic cases
Still wet with colored sugar.

This is not food for an adult.
None of your neighbors
on the entire block
eat food like this,
not even during the holidays.

Also I couldn’t help but notice
You haven’t opened any of your bills
Not even the ones which are marked red for urgency.
You have no subscriptions
To newspapers or magazines of any worth
And seem to receive a plethora
Of gift catalogues for apparel companies
Which will embroider your name on the pocket of a sweater
Or deliver you a gift basket with a personalized
Teddy bear riding a motorcycle in leather chaps.

How do you even get on these lists?

I was impressed,
Or perhaps relieved
To find you’ve been drinking water,
But it does not even out
The number of tiny cans of individual champagne
And varieties of sexual energy drinks
Stacked into a pyramid.

You should not brag about things like this.
If you want to continue drinking alone
and stacking the evidence as some sort of
collegiate conquest
might I suggest a nice
draft beer.

Finally we need to address
the number and types of health and beauty products
you consume.
How many rashes can one person have?
It clearly states on the tubes
that these topical ointments
are not meant as a long term cure
and that if irritation persists
you should consult your doctor.

I am not usually one to judge
But your small plot in the landfill
Does not make for an attractive singles ad.

I am glad you are having fun,
but you have turned the corner
my friend
and now might just be the time to
start thinking
about your future.
It’s what’s best for all of us.

Hope you find this note helpful.

Thanks,
And good luck!

>> Garbage man.